I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My dick has a subreddit
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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