i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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