Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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