I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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