i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
