when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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