I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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