Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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