It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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