My underwear smells like fireworks.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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