She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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