I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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