did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
