I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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