Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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