all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
