We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
