You're completely useless in the revolution.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
