I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
