That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
