my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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