captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
