WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
