Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
