Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
