I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
