I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
