If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
