and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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