You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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