i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
