youre lurking in front of me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
