Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
