no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
