I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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