just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.