I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
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that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You've changed since you got that strap on