she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
