So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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