no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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