i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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