Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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