WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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