I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
