If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
