Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
