i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
