I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
