One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
