i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
