guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
