i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
