I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
