someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
