My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
