i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
