my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Actions speak louder than pants.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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